For the words that can't be said, but should be

I started this blog to pour out what my heart screams out. I was in love with someone who is far too perfect that he belongs to a heaven that I thought I could never reach. I used to call him a living miracle for being who he is, and now that he is mine, he is the best thing that keeps me going everyday. We still have to fill in some missing spaces, and our relationship is not as perfect as we always strive it to be. But what we have is most certainly precious.

In the height of our relationship, we made beautiful promises to each other; we will stay together forever, no one will ever be left behind, we will do everything for each other, We will love each other for all eternity, and we will always be each other’s everything. I felt his words through his voices, his kisses, his touch and in everything that he did, and I made sure I would do my equal (if not more) share as his lover. But life always gets in the way, demanding most of our time and attention that we would have wanted to reserve for each other. I would always make sure to find the time to spend with him and for him, not wasting a second of any chance that would come my way. I was sure the same thing went for him as well, as I saw his efforts to use what little time is left in his day for me. However, lately, life is demanding much more from him that I’m beginning to think if I matter anymore.

I would always find the time to send him messages, and if only he would reply to every message I sent, we would end up exchanging hundreds of text messages everyday. But more often than I wouldn’t hope, he was too busy with too many things. And I would find myself withdrawing from talking to him, afraid to become a distraction or a disruption. I could be if I wanted to, but I refuse to make him uncomfortable in any way. I refuse to be that kind of girlfriend. I want to make every second of his life as convenient for him as possible. Even if it meant spending less and less time with me.

I made a promise to myself that I will always stay strong as long as we’re together; as long as we still say “I love you” to each other everyday, that’s enough for me. Even if he spends less time with me, I won’t demand anything. Not even one second. As long as we stay together, I won’t ask for anything more. He’ll probably get mad at me for saying this, but that’s exactly how much I would be willing to sacrifice for him.

I thought it wouldn’t be something I couldn’t handle, but I guess I was partly wrong again.

Lately, I feel like I’m fleeting out of the picture. I feel like I’m not a part of his life anymore. I feel like it was me who had to remind him that I’m still here, waiting to hear anything from him. I’d hate to say this but, I feel like I’m slowly being taken for granted.

I’m well aware that relationships go through this… EVERY relationship does. Even he probably anticipated this, and he even made me promise before to tell him if I ever feel exactly like what I am feeling right now. I thought it felt kind of wrong, in a way that you’re forcing someone to do something for your own advantage. It’s not too different from asking someone you like to tell you he loves you, even if he doesn’t feel that way. I told myself that if we arrive at that point, I will handle it, for his sake.

Never knew handling something like this can be so… hard. It’s like stopping your heart from bursting when it’s ready to explode.

Still, I didn’t say anything; I never said anything. I refuse to. I will constantly remind myself that I would be nothing in the midst of an abyss without him. I will stand by my ground and endure anything and everything for him.

I just wish that something would remind him that I’m still here. Please.

I can’t see myself living on with anyone else for the rest of my life.

No one…

but you.

I want you to be a part of my everyday.

I need you to be my everyday.